Failing Flesh and Faith

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.--Psalm 73:26

My husband has been quoting this verse all morning and I don't know if it's ever been more real to me. 

He's back in surgery right now. This year we have felt the effects of failed flesh as we've struggled through what's been happening with his eye. It's such a tiny part of the body, but oh so important, and to have it fail has big results. It has amazed me how trusting Chris has been and how little he has complained. And because of his faith my heart has had a bit of an easier time coping through it all, but at the same time, I'm not gonna lie.... I've struggled. 

I've struggled at times to believe that God is good. I really have. I've struggled at times to believe that God is for me, for my family. It's felt sometimes like so many things are coming down on us. Things that should be good and easy and that we've asked for are hard. Granted we didn't ask for this one...  And that makes it feel ever harder. It doesn't FEEL like God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Do I even want this portion? (honest question). 

And I'm a girl, an emotional girl that cries at a drop of a hat. As three friends have stopped by the hospital and prayed with us this morning I've fought back tears because my body just produces them. I've had to be strong for so much of my life that I think now the tears just come more easily. And I know that I shouldn't live by my emotions, they are not always reliable, but they are there none the less. 

Monday this surgery and just the condition of Chris' eye hit me harder than it had in the months  before. And I just wanted a good cry all day long. But there never was time for one. 

I've counseled other women through these feelings, but I'm feeling them myself now and I'll be honest.... it's slightly irritating! But good for my soul to work through them in real life too, because this is real life. Our flesh fails. Our hearts fails. It's hard to have faith sometimes. It's hard to cling to God. It's hard to trust that he's good and loving and working all things for our good. But He is. 

Sunday had some timely truth for me from Psalm 56:8-9  You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me.  

David is talking here, but the truths are good for me too. God is intimately aware of me. He knows all of my running around and the inner workings of my heart. He sees my anguish. He puts my tears in a bottle it says, keeping track of every one. This was a practice of mourners. Literally capturing their tears. Everything is recorded in God's book. And I'll be honest. In just that, I get kind of irritated with God. He KNOWS it all. He knows all of my hurt, and my brain says 'why do you leave me in the middle of all this hurt?' But David says something astounding then.... this big faith statement. 

This I know, that God is for me. 

Ps 56:9 

Right here he doesn't say how he knows this, or why he believes it (although we see lots of other reasons throughout Scripture of how we know this). He just throws it out there as if it's just to believe it himself. 

God knows. And He cares enough to keep track of it all. All of these feelings of fear and frustration and hurt, God has bottled it all and recorded all of it. And it's real. It's human. It's a result of the fall. But even in the midst of them I'm choosing to trust, as David did, that God is for me. God is for my husband. God is for our family. He is right here with us in the midst of it all, carefully using every detail of these hurts for His glory, and our good. We get to be like Jesus at the end of it all, and really the glory of that will far surpass any pain in this life. The fact that I even have been given the grace to grow toward that end goal through the pain is astounding. This pain has a purpose. Because God knows the details of me, of Abbie, so well he knew that this situation in my husband's life would be perfect not only for him, but also for me to grow me in sanctification, grow me to look a little bit more like Jesus. And it does the same for my husband. He intertwines the two perfectly.  God really is for me. I just have to trust Him with the details.

What I've been reading and loving....

Some of my fave articles and pictures from the last week:

1. This was timely advice for me last week. I have to remind myself often to slow down. As a working mom of 2 toddlers I feel like I'm always in a hurry. And my little people just don't grasp time, or that fact that I'm always running late! I appreciated the reminder to just enjoy life with them and not make everything such a big hurry. This was great too, 'When my heart is all self-centered and I get angry that anyone could even think to impose on me for one more thing, I need to beg God for help.' I can't ever stop praying for myself as I parent, and for my little ones' hearts!

2. My sister and her hubs are currently building a house literally 3 streets away from the home we rent. (I think she's not so subtly sending me a message that I can't move my kids away from her!) I thought these were great tips from 6th Street Design School for upgrades that are worth paying for and ones that are not when you are building a house.

image via 6thstreetdesignschool.blogspot.com

3. A former teen that we worked with in the church my husband was on staff at in Tulsa visited us this last weekend. It was so nice to catch up and we had several good conversations about life and theology and the collision of the two! One of her dear friends converted out of the Catholic church. I saw this book today and it looks like a good and helpful read.

4. I finally figured out how to do a decent top knot from freckled-fox.com.  Thank you!

5. How cute would it be to make matching shirts for me and the little lady?!

6. I made this One Pot Wonder Tomato Basil Pasta 2 weeks ago. It was absolutely incredible!

Enjoy! 

High Five for Friday!

On Friday's I'm going to be linking up with The Lauren Elizabeth for High Five for Friday! This will be a chance to reflect back on my week and all of God's goodness, and let's face it, perhaps the difficulties, because those stem from His goodness too.

I hope this will challenge me to make sure I'm taking good pictures throughout my week, and not all of my kids, as is what is usual for me. Although they are certainly fun to take pictures of!

1. Friday night's bike ride

2. Birthday Party

3. 50th Wedding Anniversary

4. Dropping off the kids for swimming! 

5. Wednesday Morning

1. Friday night we took the kids out to Springfield Lake. Chris and our little man rode their bikes. I pushed the little lady around on her tricycle and tried to run a little. It was a beautiful evening before all the heat hit this week. While there we saw this hot air balloon come so close! We really thought it was going to land, but instead it skimmed over the water and kept on going. The kids loved it. They had never been that close to a hot air balloon. 

2. On Saturday we attended a birthday part for a friend from church. The little lady apparently liked the frosting on the cupcakes so much that just hers wasn't enough. She needed to steal some from a the birthday boy! 

3. On Sunday we had the privilege of celebrating a 50th Wedding Anniversary with a dear friend from church. She had her dress on display from 1963. It had a beautiful neckline. I loved that she did that. 

4. Dropping the kids off each morning is so hard. But I know they are having such a great time this summer hanging out a few days a week with their Aunt Brittany. They love getting to swim with her! 

5. Isn't this just a precious moment?! The kids have really taken to our dog and I'm so glad. I've never been a big fan of this dog, but she's growing on me and I'm glad we kept her for the kids sake. 

How was your week? What has God been doing in your life? 

Trials and Tests of Faith... and Our Upcoming Ladies' Conference

And the hits keep coming.... that's what today feels like. Life has been good, just busy as of late, and I've let the blogging thing go a bit, because I just needed to focus on a few other very important things like my family, my work, and our upcoming ladies' conference at Sonrise Baptist Church. The Renew Refresh Ladies' Conference is one of my favorite events every year. I was part of the group of girls that went to our pastors and asked them if we could start it, and I've had the privledge of helping to plan it every year since, and for the last few years being the 'head' person in charge of the planning. I love women. I love the Bible. I love God. I love seeing women love the Bible and God. It just makes sense. This year, our pastors asked me to be the speaker on top of that and I happily agreed for all the reasons listed above. But then God saw fit to have a whole new set of responsibilites thrown on me that occupied much of my time for the last four months. It's really only been in the last two weeks that things have slowed down. Then this week happened.

My foot has been aching for the last few weeks. No big deal. The Tuesday night I got home and it was swollen. Wednesday it hurt a big more. Today it's still slightly swollen and still hurts a bit more. I'm debating on going to the doctor but I really can't forsee a cast or anything resembling a cast being at all convenient for the next few weeks. (We are T-22 days from the confernce.) I might foolishly wait it out and see if it gets worse.

Then last night happened. My computer crashed. With. All. My. Ladies. Conference. Stuff. On. It. Yes, you heard me right... and I didn't have it backed up. Never in a million years did I dream that my less than a year old MacBook would give up the ghost on me. So today, I'm waiting to hear from the computer doctors how my baby is doing and what files I might be able to get off of her. And wondering if I'm gonna have to start from scratch on my lessons. My heart is hurting a bit and I'm wondering what other curve balls God will throw my way over the next few weeks. Please no more :)

But, I'm reminded that my God is faithful. That this is all part of the shaping and molding process. That rain or shine 22 days are gonna go by quickly and I had better get back to work. So...... here I go. Ladies' I hope that if you're in the area that you'll come. It's going to be fun, and I hope encouraging. And apparently I'll have some good stories to tell of the process in getting there!

Chicken Tacos with the Perry's

We love Mexican food in our house. My kids will eat most anything with that involves tortilla chips, salsa, and cheese, so we often resort to quesadillas, and tacos for dinner. This is one of my favorite go to's. The thing that makes it crazy easy to throw together is using leftover chicken. I'm a big fan of roasting a whole chicken in the oven (or crock pot). We then typically only eat half of the chicken in one dinner and I can save the rest of the meat for another meal. Sometimes I freeze it. Sometimes I just plan to use it in the next few days. I will also then use the bones to make chicken broth in the crock pot (it's FREE people, so why not?!). So without further adieu.....

Chicken Tacos with the Perry's

 Chicken Taco Ingredients

Ingredients
-leftover chicken (we use leftover chicken from a roasted whole chicken)
-Chili Powder
-Garlic Salt
-Cumin
-Oregano
-Tortillas of your choosing (we LOVE Stacy's Organic tortillas that we get from Mama Jean's locally)
-Toppings of your choice (we love cheese, salsa, a bit of lettuce, and avocado)
-Rice
-Parsley
-Butter
-Salt

Normally I start the rice first. My favorite lately is Jasmine. I use 1 heaping cup of rice for just over 1.5 c of water. Let it simmer till the water is gone (15ish minutes). Add about 2 Tbsp of butter and a sprinkling of salt and Parsley. Then let it sit till it's nice a fluffy (usually 10ish more minutes). This combo changed my life.

While the rice simmers put the chicken in your favorite skillet and generously sprinkle with garlic salt, chili powder, cumin, and oregano. I don't ever measure on this one. Just sprinkle till it tastes good. Add a few splashes of water to the pan. And sauté until the chicken is warm and water has evaporated.
Warm your tortillas in the oven or microwave and pile in your ingredients! Add some rice to your plate and enjoy! I know we do!

 Chicken Tacos

Hospital Rooms and Such

Today I'm sitting in a hospital room. A small grey and blue and white room with specks all over the walls and floors. We've been sitting in this room for at least 4 hours now waiting. Waiting on the inevitable and the unknown. My husband is having surgery today. Well I say today. It's 5:37 pm as I type this. Hopefully it's still 'today' by the time they take him back. The surgery isn't life threatening. At least it's not supposed to be. But it does have the power to restore his vision in one of his eyes. Sight is something that we can so easily take for granted. I've never worn glasses. My eyes have always just worked. So I think it's something that I very easily overlook. But today, we're not taking anything for granted. Vision, smell, touch, hearing. All of it. We're praying for God's protection over him as they operate. We're praying for wisdom and steady hands for the Doctor. We're praying for a good recovery and that the original problem (pars planitis for those who care to know) doesn't return. Because even if all goes very well in the surgery, there's always the possibility that all of this will happen again. It's kind of scary to think through, my husband losing his vision. It's most certainly not something that I ever expected. And my husband and I have joked... every year we make all these big plans for the year of goals we want to accomplish: physical, spiritual, financial. You know the drill. New Year's Resolutions. And it seems like every year we just get hammered in January and this year it seems to have happened again. If I didn't know that God loved me, I'd think he was laughing at me as he moved the chess pieces of our lives in exactly the opposite direction we'd choose. But I know that's not how my holy, loving God works. No my God works like this:

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
(Ephesians 2:4-10 ESV)

My God is full of love. Love that is rich in mercy and great love that has made me alive with Christ so that we can do the good that God has prepared for us. This is true for me. This is true for my husband. This is true for every person who has been redeemed. Our God is overflowing with love and he lavishes it on us in the person of Jesus Christ. So my husband and I sit in this grey and blue speckled hospital room and we trust that our good, loving God is not slamming us down laughing every January. But that instead in love, he is preparing us for the good works that He has for us whether my husband can see or not.

This Parenting Gig

I've struggled with this whole parenting gig lately. I'm utterly crazy about my kiddos. Seriously, I don't think I had any idea that I had this much love in my heart before having kids. I know it's cliche, but it's true. There is just something so incredible about having little combined versions of yourself and your best friend to take care of. You can look at them and just see pieces of yourself and this man that you're madly in love with. God had a neat plan with people having kids. What's frustrating though is when your kids start sinning. Am I right?

I knew that I'd have sinful children, but really, I don't think I ever imagined that it would look like this, or that it would evoke in me the kind of emotions that I feel about it all! This is rough stuff friends! So I'm working through a few things:

1) I am reminding myself that this little person is a person that God has purposefully placed in our family. He is perfectly suited to us as parents and that even in the times when I feel really incompetent to handle what the little guy (or girl) is throwing at me, I am competent in Christ. He has given him the perfect parents for HIM and he has given us the perfect children for US. He is growing all of us in His perfect way though these relationships and the struggles that come with them. And the end result for all of us who trust in Christ will be looking like Christ. It will be beautiful!





2) I always knew that I was going to have kind of a rough time in these early years. Babies and toddlers are most certainly not my forte! I can't even tell you the feeling of freedom I felt when I stopped working in the nursery a few months ago, or the feelings of fear that grip my heart when I think about helping my husband teach our new 3-5 year old class at church. I told him he's going to have to do a lot of the teaching! But while kids this age range might not be my strength as far as communicating goes, I am still MY kids' mom and I can't skip over these very, very important years. For one, I don't want to miss it! There are so many moments of pure joy watching them grow and learn and say the most adorable things. So even in the ugly times of fits and tears and flat out defiance, I have to consistently discipline them in love, showing them Christ and the gospel.

3) And I pray. Pray, pray, pray. I pray for myself-that I would be wise in my choice of words and actions. That I would not be controlled by my own emotions in times of disobedience. That I would be more concerned about the hearts of my children than the image I'm projecting to those around me of myself. Oh, so many things to pray for. I also pray for my kids' salvation. I have to recognize that they have unregenerate hearts at this point in their life. They are depraved. And they don't have the Holy Spirit to convict their hearts like a believer does. And it's my job to share the gospel with them.

4) So I try to turn times of disobedience into Gospel moments in their lives. It's hard, at some level impossible, for them to fight sin. My children aren't Christians. They don't have the Holy Spirit. Not that they can't choose right. But it is hard. And it's ok to tell them that. The book Give them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick talks about this extensively and gives some great examples of conversations to have with your kids (although some of them are pretty long). Here's what some of mine have sounded like. 'L, I know that it's really hard to do what's right. The incredible thing though, is that Jesus came to die for your sins. He lived a perfect life and then died to become the perfect sacrifice for the sin that you just committed in your heart and in your actions. He died so that you can be forgiven! Isn't that incredible. We have a loving God who wholeheartedly extends grace to us in our darkest moments. He loves us more than we can ever imagine.' It's not perfect, but slowly, I think he's starting to understand. Before I read that book I thought it was going to be about giving your kids a break (like don't hold them to too high of a standard, don't discipline them when they sin.... give them grace.) Thankfully I read the book and got the concept right.... give them grace--give them the gospel of grace. Give them the gospel. It's really the most important thing I can do as a parent. So my husband and I try to turn these moments into moments when we can tell them about Jesus. As my son has gotten older, this has gotten easier and more fun.

So.... while I'm struggling, I'm not despairing. I'm working through this time, knowing that it's a season. Parenting is not easy. No one has ever claimed it to be. And it is lots and lots of fun. But in those rough moments, the ones where I kind of want to hide in my closet, I take a deep breath, say a quick prayer, and dive in. Because my kiddos need me to be their mom, to shower them with love, and to teach them the gospel... and I'm happy to do so!