God is love, but I don't feel it.

I've worked with several young women over the years who've shared with me their difficulty in believing that God loves them. It seemed, to them, that life was continually hard and that their circumstances could never have come from the hand of a loving God. Things were ugly and seemed dark and they'd say to me, 'if this is God's love, I don't want anything to do with it'. I worked with these girls over weeks and months and showed them from the Scriptures the truth of God's love and over time most of them started to believe it and grow in sanctification. Their faces changed during this time . Their eyes went from darkness to light and tear stained faces came back full of grace and of peace. It's this part of counseling that I love. Watching the transformation.

But sometimes I need that counsel. And this season of life has been one of them. Someone who didn't know me very well might not notice anything, but wowsers. My spirit has struggled this time. I've gone through hardship before.... family struggles, financial struggles, health struggles. But the last 7 months or so have started taking their toll on my husband and myself and I've found myself for the first time really fighting for my faith, struggling to make myself believe that God is for me. Because it feels like everything is going wrong. I touched a bit on that here. And my husbands situation with his vision in his right eye has most certainly been a part of this equation, but not the whole story. God has allowed certain parts of our lives to become very difficult over the last 6 months and as we look forward at the next few weeks things might completely collide and well.... just blow up. A week ago my stomach was in knots all day every day and had been for a few weeks. So I've been having to do some incredible self counsel... counseling myself if you will. And the best way to do that is to study the Scriptures and examine my own heart. So I've been camping out in the Psalms lately re learning how to pour my heart out to God, begging him for mercy and grace and protection and provision, much like David did in some of the early Psalms (I've been in 18-26 most recently). I haven't had to do this in awhile. Not like this at least. Sitting on my couch after the kids have gone to bed and just letting my heart soak in God's Word and praying it out back to Him.




It has done me so much good. As I've walked through these chapters noting how David asks questions, how he reasons with God at some level, how he even points out all the good he's done asking God if he really deserves the difficulty he's going through. Have you ever felt that way? I most certainly have. As I've watched friends stumble through serious sin, but still have great success in other areas of their life, sometimes I'm dumbfounded as I (sinfully) compare myself, or other friends who have walked in purity in virtually all areas of their life, but still getting knocked down by life. David asked those hard questions and even pointed out how 'good' he'd been (somehow without seeming self-righteous)! But in all of his frustration and doubt his faith doesn't seem to waver. At least not in these songs he's written. And that's where I'm striving to be in this season of life.




And as I've meditated on God's Word and tried to look into every nook and cranny of my heart God has taken me from a place of utter fear and a heart that was starting to grow bitter toward Him, to peace and faith that His plan really is good. And I'm still in the thick of it. Don't think it's over and I'm looking back on the hardship and now things are rosy. Nope. I've got a few more weeks (possibly longer) of wondering and waiting for the inevitable to take it's shape and for life to move onto whatever it is that God has for it to move onto and this waiting is ridiculously hard for me. But I can't do anything about it. So I just wait and trust. And pray a lot. Praying back the very words that God has written and trusting with all my being that He won't fail me. My requests might be selfish. Things might not go my way. But in the end it will be for His glory and my good and I'll have a heart that looks more like His. And I couldn't ask for anything better.

A Prayer of David.

Hear a just cause, O Lord; attend to my cry!

Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit!

From your presence let my vindication come!

Let your eyes behold the right!

You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night,

you have tested me, and you will find nothing;

I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.

With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips

I have avoided the ways of the violent.

My steps have held fast to your paths;

my feet have not slipped.

I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;

incline your ear to me; hear my words.

Wondrously show your steadfast love,

O Savior of those who seek refuge

from their adversaries at your right hand.

Keep me as the apple of your eye;

hide me in the shadow of your wings, (Psalm 17:1-8, ESV)

Fish and Chips!

Fish and Chips (or fish sticks and french fries) is one of my family's favorite meals. My kids eat it well. It's pretty healthy. And it's budget friendly. My recipe is a variation of Rachel Ray's found here.

Basic Ingredients

Ingredients: 

Fish

-3-4 pieces of tilapia cut into strips (we love the Market Pantry brand from Target) 

-1/2 c. flour

-1 egg, beaten

-salt and pepper

-4-6 pieces of whole wheat bread

-2 tbsp of olive oil

Dip

-1/3 c. mayonnaise

-1 tbsp. mustard (dijon or regular)

-1 tbsp lemon juice

-2 tbsp pickle relish

Fries

-We love Alexia Sweet Potato Fries

1. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. I start with regular whole wheat toast. Spread the slices out on a baking sheet and toast in the oven for 3-5 minutes. Blend the toasted bread in a food processor pulsing until you have bread crumbs. Spread the crumbs back on the same baking sheet. Pour olive oil over crumbs. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and stir to coat. Bake the bread crumbs for 2-3 minutes, until crispy. Keep a close eye on them. It doesn't take long before they'll start to burn!

2. Put your fries in the oven and set the timer for 12 minutes. I like to cook my fries on the bottom rack to help them get a little crispier.

3. Cut each piece of tilapia into 3 pieces. Coat each piece with flour. Then dip in beaten egg. Then dip in bread crumbs and place on a baking sheet sprayed with oil.

4. After your timer goes off for the fries, flip them over and put them back in the oven. Also place your fish in the oven. Cook for 12 minutes.

5. Mix the ingredients for the dip.

6. Pull everything out of the oven and give them a few minutes to cool before serving. Enjoy!! 

We enjoyed ours outside last week! 

Dipping Sauce

Even the kids eat this one up! I hope yours do too! 

It's Friday!

1. Haircuts for the girls!

2. Matchy Matchy! 

1. Haircuts for the girls! I'm a firm believer in a good haircut. I don't do anything over the top with my hair and I'm not saying that it looks great all the time (I'm a girl in progress here!), but a good haircut is a great starting point. Some of my favorite days are the ones where I get to take the little lady to get hers done with me. I think she feels kind of special, and a professional cutting her hair is way better than me trying. Thank you Kristi Jo at Studio 417 for great cuts!

2. Somehow my hubs and I ended up with matching sunglasses last weekend. My previous pair had broken a few weeks ago and I've literally been wearing them broken since. The lens would constantly fall out and drive me crazy. I stumbled on a good sale Friday night at LOFT and liked this pair the best. We've also been talking about how Chris needed a pair of sunglasses. With all his eye trouble his eyes need to be protected and they've told us to hold off on getting anything new with a prescription until his eyes heal more and settle down, but a regular pair is great to wear with contacts. We came across these at a little store downtown near the salon on Saturday and realized we'd match, but hey we're cute like that and they just looked good on him. So we went with it. Don't make fun.

3. Kids at Work

3. Kids at Work

3. The kids each got to join me for a day at work this week. How can you not want to hang out with those faces. I mean for real! As a mom, and a woman who strives to live according to God's Word, I recognize that my family always needs to be in a place of high priority in my life. I am a wife and mom before I am a... whatever I am at work. So these days of getting to bring them with me are really special for me. And I hope that they remember them with fond memories.

4. S'mores!

4. We are having the most amazing summer as far as weather goes this year. I can't remember EVER in southwest Missouri enjoying temps like these in the low 80's at the beginning of July. And the evenings actually get cool. It's seriously glorious for a girl like me who much prefers to be chilly over being hot. So on the 3rd we enjoyed our fire pit and roasted some S'mores. Apparently we weren't the only ones with that idea as when I went to our local Wal-mart to grab marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate. Everything was almost out!

5. Fireworks downtown

5. We enjoyed the 4th at the pool, grilling out with friends, and watching the fireworks downtown. I love a good fireworks show! And I love enjoying it with our family!

What's been going on in your life? How is God stretching and growing you?

What I'm reading and loving this week.

1. Great memorization idea for kids (Slightly older than mine!) Great to keep in my back pocket for someday.....  


2. We've been toying around with the idea of having the kids share a room. This is some inspiration for me.

from http://www.cinsarah.com/2012/12/levis-shared-nursery-reveal.html

3. Some great tips for teaching your children about their sexual developement from a young age on The Resurgence.

4. Are you pregnant with a little girl and will need a bathing suit before she's 3 months old? Get this suit! It's so adorable in person. I kept putting off purchasing it for my little lady and now her size is gone. But YOU can still get it!

5. Does the gospel influence the way you tip? This got me thinking....

6. My husband and I have recently started working with the singles group at our church. Couple that with the single girls I've been counseling recently and my heart is really getting passionate about discipling them (more on that later). This article got me thinking about all the recent changes for same sex marriage in our country and the singles that I interact with.

7. Our church is going through this book by Jerry Bridges for our small groups right now. This last week's chapter hit home well for me. Check it out!

8. Loved, this personal testimony from a woman who was changed by God, through the gospel, through a church and who was empowered to help other women grow. It's just fun hearing about what God is doing in His people.

What are you reading that's challenging and inspiring you?

High Five for Friday

This week seems to have flown by! I'm hooking up with The Lauren Elizabeth today for High Five for Friday and Darci of the Good life for Five on Friday!

                     

1. Orange Leaf for the little lady

2. Hanging out with this guy is always an adventure! 

1. and 2. My bosses are both out of town so I get to take my kiddos with me to work. It's not as easy as it used to be. They don't just lay on the floor like they did when they were 6 months old, so I don't take them as often and I don't very often take them together. But I try to take them as often as I can. I love the extra time with them! My sister is watching the kids for the summer, so on the days that I took one of the kids, she's spoil the other and take them out for ice cream. We get to do it again next week! Love summer!

3. My amazing chocolate chip cookies are a great evening treat! 

3. I don't like to brag, but my chocolate chip cookies are pretty amazing. Everyone that eats them tells me this. I've been encouraged to open a bakery. But that would be my only item on the menu :) Still, my family thoroughly enjoys it when I make them! I'll have to do a post with the recipe sometime.

4. T-Ball 2013

4. T-Ball for this Spring 2013 season is officially over. This little guy loved every minute of it! He's only 4 so we don't want to over do it, but he loves to play. I see lots and lots of baseball in my future.

5. Crazy Storms last night! 

5. We had a crazy storm last night. I can't remember the last time I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep because I was just scared, but last night I was. I really wondered if our house was going to make it and the background noise of the storm was just odd enough I was pretty concerned about a tornado. Fortunately the damage was minimal, but our neighbors right behind us lost one of their trees. I hate that for them, and for the shade it gives to our yard! We've been waiting 6 years for those trees to grow and give us shade! God is good though and we're thankful for the minimal damage compared to what so many have had in the last few years with horrible storms.

How has your week been? We are growing through some struggles and the physical difficulties my husband is having with his eye. And there are days that it's been hard for me to have faith. I've got some thoughts rummaging around in my brain that I'll share soon. But in the mean time I'm trusting in His mercies and faithfulness. He is a faithful God!

What I've been reading and loving...

1. I desperately want to teach our children well about sex. What is right and what is wrong and how it fits into God's big picture. I want to protect their little hearts and do my best to help them choose purity and righteousness over sin. I thought this article had some good suggestions in it.

The sweet little lady hanging out at the office with me yesterday! Love these days! 

2. This article has had people talking. I think very differently than this woman based on my understanding of Scripture and how God has designed us as women. and I say that as a working mom. But it's worth looking at to understand how many women do think. She does not seem to have anything near a biblical view of womanhood, motherhood, or her work. I'm guessing she's not a believer. But sometimes it's good to evaluate thinking that's 'on the other side.'

3. Strawberry shortcake is one of my favorites parts of summer. I grew up with acres and acres of strawberry plants thanks to my over ambitious step-dad and his love of gardening. We always had more strawberries than we knew what to do with. Store bought berries have nothing on the fresh from the garden kind by the way. Making strawberry shortcake is one of my favorites though and this is a fun twist on the old favorite!

4. I'm not much a photographer, which is why you'll see most of my photos are from instagram. But these tips were helpful to me, even with a standard point and shoot. Especially the tips on the white managements. My little camera has some nice presents that you can adjust for the lighting and I've found it very helpful!

5. Spending time together worshiping as a family is something I want to work at as my kids get older. Two toddlers don't do this very well, but spending time in the Word together, for purposeful teaching is important. This article has some good tips.



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High Five for Friday!

Fridays are quickly becoming my favorite day of the week this summer! Due to summer scheduling at the college where my office is I get to work from home on Fridays, which basically means stay close to the internet and get your stuff done. For me, that means I can hang out pool side with my kiddos at my sister's apartment. I can answer my phone and I'm close enough to the internet that it's all good, and in-between, I'm working on my tan and hanging out with my kiddos, all while (actually!) getting my work done. It's a total win win for everyone! Did I say that I LOVE Fridays?! Here's a few other segments of my week....

1. Blueberry Pancakes on a Friday morning

2. Fridays. Need I say more?

    

3. Visits from friends are the best

    

4. Running through the rain! 

5. The hard part of the week

1. I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast last week. They were utterly delicious with the fresh, farmer's market, pure maple syrup my step-dad sent me home with last month. Weird thing was the little lady took one bite and spit them out. Crazy girl! Everyone else thoroughly enjoyed them.

2. A picture of our typical Friday's this summer. Utter perfection in my book. I plan on being there today too.

3. Last weekend a young lady who was in the youth group my husband was youth pastor of in Tulsa visited us. She just graduated from college (gulp.... time goes too fast!) and had a few weeks before taking off for a fun summer job (teaching Theater at a posh summer camp in Massachusetts!). I was so glad she came to visit. It's such a joy to interact with people God has allowed your life to intersect with. She was just a young Jr. Higher when I first met her and seeing the lovely young lady that God has grown her into is just a joy. I really can't wait to see where God takes her next! (Springfield, MO?! Springfield, MO?!) Love you girl!

4. Saturday morning we headed into town to go grocery shopping and needed to let the kids run off some energy beforehand. It was pouring, so the mall was our best bet. Our kids love the play area. Heading in we were all in our rain jackets running through the rain. Running through the rain with two toddlers is an adventure all it's own, but I adore it.

5. Chris had his 2nd eye surgery on Wednesday. You can find my blog post about it here and my blog post about his first surgery here. Things came out well. The doctor was able to repair the retina and didn't have to do cataracts. He chose to remove the oil he put in last time and put a gas bubble in his eye. Now he's in a one week period where he has 'face down recovery.' Like his face is down all the time, allowing this bubble to rise to the back of his eye, holding the retina in place. This is probably the most annoying part of it all. I've been reminding him all day to put his head down. It should be an interesting week!

Lots of ups and downs this week, but God if faithful through it all and we are thankful for what He has accomplished!