Friday, September 2, 2011

When my heart screams 'I'm Done!'

The last few days have been rough ones for me. I'll just say it. I'm really frustrated at work. My heart really has been screaming 'I'm Done!" all day long. Not that I'm treated badly. For the most part, really, my bosses are very kind to me. They've done kind things I guess I should say. And I completely see why God placed me here over 3 years ago. It has been a good place for me during this season of my life. However, as of late, I've become very restless. There are some really neat opportunities for me looming on the horizon, but that horizon is a ways away and I'm just so ready for the change. I'm tired of feeling useless each day. I'm tired of not being with my kids. I really, really miss my kids this week. I know I'm not the only mom ready for a change. I'm not the only mom who would rather be with her kids. And really both of these things that I desire are good, Godly desires. I just don't want them to become idols in my heart and I fear that so often they become just that. So I've been meditating on Philippians 4... thinking through what contentment looks like in my life right now in this season of waiting. I've come to a few conclusions:

1. I really do just have to wait. God has me exactly where He, in His perfect plan for my sanctification wants me. Me not working just isn't an option right now. And I don't see a better option for a job either. The things I'm waiting on will happen in His perfect timing (or perhaps not happen at all in his plan!) and really instead of wishing for them, I need to pray for them more, but also, just trust God with them more. Like Paul I want to be able to say that in 'whatever state I am, I have learned to be content!'

2. I need to trust people. I came to this conclusion awhile back when I was reading an article about women emasculatig men. I know it sounds funny here, but I need to trust a few key guys in my life to lead in their circle of influence in the right way, thus opening up the door for me perhaps. I should open up some doors, but not push too hard. I think Scripture teaches that in my trust, and in my learning to let guys be guys and lead the way, I can honor God best by trusting him and the people in leadership that God has placed around me.

3. I need to do something. I have some time ahead of me where I'm at and I want to use the time I have to prepare for the future, whatever God makes that look like. One of those ways in which I want to DO is to blog more. Get my mind rolling with God's Word and how I'm applying it in my life. It might look like a parenting tip which I've recently figured out, or it might be a delicious recipe I've come across, or an easy craft project (because I don't have time for complicated ones!), or a way I've found to bless my husband, or serve others, or honor God.... I don't know. I'm gonna vary it up. But I want to share more about how I'm learning to express Biblical Femininity in my busy life with 2 kids, a full time job, and a husband who works 50+ hours a week and goes to grad school. It's a journey, but Lord willing, I hope I'm doing what I can to honor Him in it.

          Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.   (Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)

And Lord willing somewhere in the midst of the trusting Him, being content, trusting others, and the doing... My heart will stop this screaming and find peace in His perfect plan for me, knowing that he is using even this frustration to shape me into the image of Christ. (Rom. 8:28-29)