Miley Cyrus, Modesty, and How We Teach our Teenage Girls Wrong

I've been listening to all this chatter over the last couple of days about Miley and there have been some good things said about it all, like Trevin Wax's I Weep for Miley. This development and just the season of the year (Summertime!) has led to a lot of discussion over the last several months about modesty, some of which has been good, but some of which has me weeping.

I've heard LOTS of things about modesty over the years. I grew up in a pretty conservative church culture. The kind where girls only wore skirts or culottes. My sister wouldn't go to youth activities because she always got talked to about her jeans (not that they rode too low or were too tight or anything... just the fact that she was wearing them). I never quite got some of the rules that were put in place for us girls. Because, for instance, the culottes showed more leg than my pants did on the volleyball court (we seemed to play volleyball a lot). But it was what it was, and I know that our church leadership was trying to help us to live out this whole modesty thing, because what we wear is important. It was just done in a way that I didn't understand.

We've moved forward from the whole culotte fiasco I think (although I looked good in a pair of mean teal polk-a-dot culottes with a matching scrunchie), but modesty is still a very hot topic and the sexuality of women is talked about more and more. And here comes Miley, the sweet little Hannah Montana Disney character (which I honestly never saw much of, maybe 2 episodes). I only knew of her from afar. I watched about 10 seconds of her performance Sunday night and was just kind of bewildered. I don't know why anyone would want to move like that in public. And it has erupted all sorts of reactions. One in particular that I watched was especially heartbreaking to me. The conversation in this pastoral response video quickly moved from Miley to just general modesty for women, young women in particular, and while I appreciate the video's desire to teach young women about modesty from a pastor's perspective (a much needed topic of discussion for women), here is my humble opinion of what was lacking within in this video, and often times is lacking in discussions about modesty.


I've heard mentioned over and over again in my life when taught on this subject that how you dress will determine what you attract. And the guys that are attracted to immodesty will eventually throw you to the curb. The guys who are attracted to a modest girl recognize the prize, the princess that they have. The particular conversation within this video that I heard recently compared girls to cars. The immodest girl is like a Ford Ranger, he said. She's normal and common. She has to advertise to attract. Everyone has a truck like that because it's common. Whereas a modest girl is a Rolls Royce. She's valuable and priceless and will withstand the test of time. So if you want to be classy, or one of a kind, a rolls royce if you will, be modest.

This comparison broke my heart for a few reasons:

1. While there is a certain level of truth that the way you present yourself will attract a certain type of guy, there is no absolute to this. Please don't make implied promises to impressionable young girls that tug at their heartstrings. Most girls deeply crave the attention of a man, and most want one who will be faithful to her (despite what many will say). Making the kind of guy you're gonna end up with the motivation of modestly, puts that motivation in the wrong place. I've watched too many girls grow up thinking that if they act a certain way and dress a certain way they're sure to get a certain kind of guy. And some of them end up alone, or some of them end up being cheated on. And they are left with heartbreak, because the driving motivation behind what they had been doing all those years was selfish and their hearts didn't get what they had been (perhaps subtly) promised.

2. Please don't ever compare a girl to a car again. It only adds fuel to the fire of young men viewing women as objects, especially in the case with a car.... something that most guys love, and love to use and abuse! I am not a Ford Ranger (a pickup truck?!). I am not a Rolls Royce either. Neither of these are made in the image of our God, as all women are (and men are for that matter). I realize that this was just an analogy that this pastor used, but it lacked much when it came to viewing God's women as the children of God that they are.

3. Further, and perhaps most important, this comparison and the way it was made (and the way I've heard it made for so much of my life at youth camps and such) doesn't point young women to the gospel, it doesn't point them to Jesus, it simply plays at the idols of their heart, mainly the desire to 'stand out.' As women this desire is played on everywhere and our clothing is one of the main ways in which women attempt to stand out from the crowd. Different methods are used, varying styles of clothing and hair, different personalities, different sins even, but the root issue at stake behind all of it is the desire for glory for self. But God is the one who deserves ALL of the glory. When I get dressed in the morning it should never be to 'stand out.' My clothes shouldn't draw attention to me, they should be a reflection of my walk with my savior. And to encourage women and girls to be modest for the purposes of standing out, is only asking them to dress in more covering clothing for the sin of seeking personal attention.... the very same sin they were committing (more often than not) when they were choosing to dress in less clothing.

It's just exchanging a sin for a sin, not pointing our girls to Jesus.

The answer to the clothing debate isn't exactly simple, and there are not hard and fast rules, but the root of it is simple. Girls, immerse your heart in Jesus and want nothing more than him. If we're dressing to draw attention to ourselves in any way we're dressing selfishly, and sinfully, no matter how modest your outfit might be. But if we're dressing for God's glory, we will be mindful of others and not seek to draw attention to our bodies, but rather our sweet spirits that are a reflection of our Savior will draw attention to God.

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. (1 Peter 3:3-4, ESV)

Fish and Chips!

Fish and Chips (or fish sticks and french fries) is one of my family's favorite meals. My kids eat it well. It's pretty healthy. And it's budget friendly. My recipe is a variation of Rachel Ray's found here.

Basic Ingredients

Ingredients: 

Fish

-3-4 pieces of tilapia cut into strips (we love the Market Pantry brand from Target) 

-1/2 c. flour

-1 egg, beaten

-salt and pepper

-4-6 pieces of whole wheat bread

-2 tbsp of olive oil

Dip

-1/3 c. mayonnaise

-1 tbsp. mustard (dijon or regular)

-1 tbsp lemon juice

-2 tbsp pickle relish

Fries

-We love Alexia Sweet Potato Fries

1. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. I start with regular whole wheat toast. Spread the slices out on a baking sheet and toast in the oven for 3-5 minutes. Blend the toasted bread in a food processor pulsing until you have bread crumbs. Spread the crumbs back on the same baking sheet. Pour olive oil over crumbs. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and stir to coat. Bake the bread crumbs for 2-3 minutes, until crispy. Keep a close eye on them. It doesn't take long before they'll start to burn!

2. Put your fries in the oven and set the timer for 12 minutes. I like to cook my fries on the bottom rack to help them get a little crispier.

3. Cut each piece of tilapia into 3 pieces. Coat each piece with flour. Then dip in beaten egg. Then dip in bread crumbs and place on a baking sheet sprayed with oil.

4. After your timer goes off for the fries, flip them over and put them back in the oven. Also place your fish in the oven. Cook for 12 minutes.

5. Mix the ingredients for the dip.

6. Pull everything out of the oven and give them a few minutes to cool before serving. Enjoy!! 

We enjoyed ours outside last week! 

Dipping Sauce

Even the kids eat this one up! I hope yours do too! 

Trials and Tests of Faith... and Our Upcoming Ladies' Conference

And the hits keep coming.... that's what today feels like. Life has been good, just busy as of late, and I've let the blogging thing go a bit, because I just needed to focus on a few other very important things like my family, my work, and our upcoming ladies' conference at Sonrise Baptist Church. The Renew Refresh Ladies' Conference is one of my favorite events every year. I was part of the group of girls that went to our pastors and asked them if we could start it, and I've had the privledge of helping to plan it every year since, and for the last few years being the 'head' person in charge of the planning. I love women. I love the Bible. I love God. I love seeing women love the Bible and God. It just makes sense. This year, our pastors asked me to be the speaker on top of that and I happily agreed for all the reasons listed above. But then God saw fit to have a whole new set of responsibilites thrown on me that occupied much of my time for the last four months. It's really only been in the last two weeks that things have slowed down. Then this week happened.

My foot has been aching for the last few weeks. No big deal. The Tuesday night I got home and it was swollen. Wednesday it hurt a big more. Today it's still slightly swollen and still hurts a bit more. I'm debating on going to the doctor but I really can't forsee a cast or anything resembling a cast being at all convenient for the next few weeks. (We are T-22 days from the confernce.) I might foolishly wait it out and see if it gets worse.

Then last night happened. My computer crashed. With. All. My. Ladies. Conference. Stuff. On. It. Yes, you heard me right... and I didn't have it backed up. Never in a million years did I dream that my less than a year old MacBook would give up the ghost on me. So today, I'm waiting to hear from the computer doctors how my baby is doing and what files I might be able to get off of her. And wondering if I'm gonna have to start from scratch on my lessons. My heart is hurting a bit and I'm wondering what other curve balls God will throw my way over the next few weeks. Please no more :)

But, I'm reminded that my God is faithful. That this is all part of the shaping and molding process. That rain or shine 22 days are gonna go by quickly and I had better get back to work. So...... here I go. Ladies' I hope that if you're in the area that you'll come. It's going to be fun, and I hope encouraging. And apparently I'll have some good stories to tell of the process in getting there!

I'm a Working Mom and I'm a Christian

On March 23rd 3 years ago I entered a new season of life. It was a season that I had always planned on being in at some point and one that had looked very different in my mind depending on the perspective I had at each age. As a young women in my teens I looked at the women around me in church and for one reason or another didn't want to be much like them. I was more heavily influenced by feminist ideals, although I didn't realize it at the time, and wanted to work, except I deeply desired to be involved in ministry in some way or another. Perhaps missionary work, or women's ministry. I wanted to be used by God somewhere. I never gave much consideration to kids, although I wanted them. Then at the ripe old age of 20 I decided to get my Master's Degree in Biblical Counseling and was slammed in the face with some new concepts about womanhood that I had never really gotten before. I came to understand for the first time the ultimate goal of a wife's submission, her primary role in the home, being a homemaker, and even grew to look forward to the day when I could manage a home, care for my own children, and serve my husband.

The thing is that when the time came for us to have kids, in God's timing, me staying home wasn't a possibility. And I was floored. I had been reading all these great resources on Biblical Womanhood and was so excited to care for my growing little family, but my husband was working a new commission only job that didn't even cover renting our small home, much less, food, gas, savings, or anything else. I HAD to work. I was and am very blessed to work a somewhat flexible full time job that has allowed me to bring my kids to work with me fairly often and even work from home at times. But all the same I remember crying and crying because I just wanted to be with these precious kids.

It started as a Godly desire to fulfill my God given, Biblical role in the home. But then it started sounding something like this: 'It was supposed to be MY job to take care of my kids. MY job to teach them. MY job to comfort them when they were hurt. MY job to share all the joys and giggles. And instead, someone else got to do it for 50 hours or so a week.' Kind of selfish thoughts, huh! It wasn't, and still isn't easy. But overtime I've been reminded countless times that THIS is God's plan for me and for my kids. Through all the details of life that have led us to this point HE is glorified. And MY kids aren't really mine anyway, are they.... they are HIS. And it's my joy to share them with someone else during the day. I still hope that life might change to where I can spend more hours with my little cuties, but I've grown to be content where God has me and happy to be used both at home with my family, and elsewhere, where He puts me.

The thing that I think really frustrates me at times is that in the Complementarian Christian community I see so little, dare I even say practically nothing, to encourage the working mothers. I see lots and lots of articles about being a stay at home mom, almost like if you're anything else, you're not doing the right thing, or at the very least, like that being a stay at home mom is the pinnacle of achievement for a woman.  And sometimes, it just kind of hurts. Sure there are women who work for sinful reasons. And I get that. But there are also those of us who work out of necessity, or perhaps just out of wisdom. And these very same women are some of the greatest moms I know.... on a completely equal plane with stay at home moms who are some of the greatest moms I know!



There was a time not long ago that a friend came to me and said 'So and so is going to get to say home with their new baby. Isn't that great?!' It was. It really was. I was happy for this girl. But I went home and cried that day. Because the way it was said was as if it was better. Better than what I was doing, going to work 5 days a week. Very possibly I was projecting something onto this friend that she wasn't thinking at all when she shared this news with me. I truly don't think it was in her heart to hurt me, she was just sharing 'good' news! But it hurt me and my selfish desires all the same.

So let me say a few words to my fellow moms.

-Don't let a desire for something good (staying home with your kids for example) become an idol of your own heart. Is being a stay at home mom bad? Absolutely not! But is it the best situation for everyone? It's just not, and you can't prove that it is in Scripture. Weigh out your options carefully and come to a good Biblical conclusion that's best for your situation.

-No matter how many hours you get to spend with your family, make sure they are your priority. We serve God by serving others and your husband, followed by your kids top the list! When you are with them, be WITH them. Shower them with love and affection. Teach your children God's word. No matter what it takes, do your job well at home. Life won't be perfect. The house will get cluttered or dirty, you might be late sometimes. Your kids will disobey. And you might not feel like you have it all together like so and so's family. But it's ok. It's life lived. They aren't perfect either. Your job is to honor God, right where you are at and to trust Him with the results.

-Love your kids deeply and show it fiercely. Never let them doubt for a moment your unconditional love for them. Even in times of discipline, we can demonstrate our love for them and show them that they are held accountable for their actions because of your love for them.

-Be content with what God has given you and where God has placed you. But at the same time, if you desire something different, and it's a Godly desire, there's nothing wrong with working towards it and praying over it. God loves to hear us lay our desires at His feet, and he loves to see us work towards it (life isn't magic, we have to work towards things). So if you want to stay home, tweak your budget, encourage your husband to work hard at his job, and find a way to make it happen. If you want to start a business, work towards it. Make a plan. If you want to blog, do it. Don't sit around wishing life was different. Thank God for where you are and the ability to work towards change and DO IT.

I'm a working mom and I'm a Christian. And I'm thankful and content with where God has me and how He is using me. His plan is perfect, and I trust Him.

Day 6-Today. I. Am. Thankful. For...

I certainly can't leave out my Little Lady. When the ultrasound technician told us she was a girl I could hardly believe my ears. I had secretly hoped for a girl and was SO excited that God has blessed us with one. Since the day she entered out lives just over a year ago she has been a ray of sunshine in our home. He smile is electric. Our friends often say that she smiles with her whole face, and it's true! I have recently loved watching her learn to walk. Every day she gets steadier on her feet. I'm personally just anticipating the day I can enroll her in her first ballet class (Hopefully she is as excited as I am!). I'm so looking forward to loving her and teaching her, hopefully helping her grow into a Godly young lady, and eventually a woman.  It's my most important role in life.

When my heart screams 'I'm Done!'

The last few days have been rough ones for me. I'll just say it. I'm really frustrated at work. My heart really has been screaming 'I'm Done!" all day long. Not that I'm treated badly. For the most part, really, my bosses are very kind to me. They've done kind things I guess I should say. And I completely see why God placed me here over 3 years ago. It has been a good place for me during this season of my life. However, as of late, I've become very restless. There are some really neat opportunities for me looming on the horizon, but that horizon is a ways away and I'm just so ready for the change. I'm tired of feeling useless each day. I'm tired of not being with my kids. I really, really miss my kids this week. I know I'm not the only mom ready for a change. I'm not the only mom who would rather be with her kids. And really both of these things that I desire are good, Godly desires. I just don't want them to become idols in my heart and I fear that so often they become just that. So I've been meditating on Philippians 4... thinking through what contentment looks like in my life right now in this season of waiting. I've come to a few conclusions:

1. I really do just have to wait. God has me exactly where He, in His perfect plan for my sanctification wants me. Me not working just isn't an option right now. And I don't see a better option for a job either. The things I'm waiting on will happen in His perfect timing (or perhaps not happen at all in his plan!) and really instead of wishing for them, I need to pray for them more, but also, just trust God with them more. Like Paul I want to be able to say that in 'whatever state I am, I have learned to be content!'

2. I need to trust people. I came to this conclusion awhile back when I was reading an article about women emasculatig men. I know it sounds funny here, but I need to trust a few key guys in my life to lead in their circle of influence in the right way, thus opening up the door for me perhaps. I should open up some doors, but not push too hard. I think Scripture teaches that in my trust, and in my learning to let guys be guys and lead the way, I can honor God best by trusting him and the people in leadership that God has placed around me.

3. I need to do something. I have some time ahead of me where I'm at and I want to use the time I have to prepare for the future, whatever God makes that look like. One of those ways in which I want to DO is to blog more. Get my mind rolling with God's Word and how I'm applying it in my life. It might look like a parenting tip which I've recently figured out, or it might be a delicious recipe I've come across, or an easy craft project (because I don't have time for complicated ones!), or a way I've found to bless my husband, or serve others, or honor God.... I don't know. I'm gonna vary it up. But I want to share more about how I'm learning to express Biblical Femininity in my busy life with 2 kids, a full time job, and a husband who works 50+ hours a week and goes to grad school. It's a journey, but Lord willing, I hope I'm doing what I can to honor Him in it.

          Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.   (Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)

And Lord willing somewhere in the midst of the trusting Him, being content, trusting others, and the doing... My heart will stop this screaming and find peace in His perfect plan for me, knowing that he is using even this frustration to shape me into the image of Christ. (Rom. 8:28-29)

Sit here, and spend some time.

A blog post I read last week has gotten me to thinking lately a lot about the structure of my life. I started this blog in hopes of it holding me accountable in my study of God's Word. That has not happened well. I used to be a very structured, organized person. But I am also somewhat a person of extremes and if I can't do something well, I tend to not do it. After getting married my life no longer was entirely my own to structure, and I started to struggle with disciplines that used to never be an issue for me... being in the Word being one of them. Then I got pregnant, then had my first child, then got pregnant again, and then had our second child. Now my life is rarely my own, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's the place and role to which God has called me in this season of my life, that of wife and mother. However in my search to allow my husband to lead, and to serve him day in and day out, to care for my kids, etc. I very easily neglect disciplining myself. Two of the key areas that have gone by the wayside are my time in the Word and in prayer, and time for exercise.

Also during this time my understanding of Scripture has changed. I trust in and rely on God more than ever. I really trust his sovereignty. Granted, I don't know that I've been tested very deeply yet, but overall, I really trust Him to provide and it takes a lot to get me to worrying. I praise God for His work in my life in this area as it has not always been the case and it's all of Him that I've grown in this way.

By no means have I 'arrived' in my faith, but some basic concepts have become habit for me, such that I don't always feel the pressing need that I used to to build my faith. This is all probably sounding very proud, but I think I found in my understanding less of a dependence on pouring out my heart to God the way that I used to when every little trial seemed so huge. I just trust Him now and tell Him so. (Certainly not all the time! I still sin in my lack of faith!) But I still felt like that I should be 'learning' something every day in my 'devotions.' And I wasn't..... not in the basic reading that I had time for in this season of my life.

Then I read this blog post by Tim Challies and understood something that I hadn't in a long time. My time in the Word every day isn't to learn something new. Granted I might and those times will be fun and exciting as I understand a piece of my savior that I hadn't before. But more than anything, it's just to spend some time. The way that I love to spend time with my husband. Even if we're doing nothing. Just to sit on the couch with his arm around me while we both read a book is time well spent and meaningful in our relationship. In the same way I want to curl up with my savior each day and just sit and be.

Now that I've established that I've been working on a good time. At work has been working for me lately. But I do want to rebuild my early morning habit. I want my kids to someday wake up early and just find me 'being' with God in His Word and praying for them and others. For now though, this routine is working well and I'm thankful for this new understanding. Thanks Challies for sharing this very important insight with me. It has changed my relationship with my Savior.

False Expectations

Through a series of events, things I've read, and been taught recently I've come to a realization. Somewhere deep inside myself, at a level I don't think I've ever noticed, I've had a very distorted view of God and the way He works. My thoughts started with a blog post I read a few weeks ago here. In this blog post she makes the point that many young girls (and I'll insert guys too!) grow up in church doing all the right things and through what they've been taught form certain expectations of the way that life is supposed to go as a result of their good choices. However, many of them end up grown up and dreadfully disappointed. They did everything they were told to do, but life didn't turn into the fairy tale they expected. Insert me. I'm pretty sure that I was one of those girls. I don't know that these things were ever verbalized to me by anyone. I think I was taught it more by innuendo of some kind. In fact I don't know that I've ever even let these thoughts turn into actual words in my mind! But none the less I really think they were there.

I am thankful for a good church and a great group of pastors that watch over our souls and teach us the truths of God's Word even when it's not what I want to hear. Sunday two weeks ago was kind of one of those days. I didn't walk away from the service particularly happy, or filled with pleasant emotions. In fact I was even more frustrated on some level, but also full of faith and trust. You see my eyes were opened to a piece of myself I've never known before, a piece of me I didn't really like. However it's a piece of me that makes me all the more thankful for the blood of Christ and how it covers my sin. We covered Ecclesiastics 7 and talked through this very obstacle. For some reason many of us think that if we do life a certain way (the way that Scripture teaches) that X, or Y, or Z will result. But then D happens and we're left wondering what the point of following God even is. Only Scripture doesn't promise X, Y, and Z. In fact, Ecclesiastes 7 makes that pretty clear. Good things happen to evil people and the righteous sometimes end up suffering, but that doesn't change who God is. He is still righteous, He is still just, He is still kind, He is still full of grace. And the D situation that really makes life seem unbearable right now is all a part of God's plan to make me more like him. He is sanctifying me day by day through the circumstances that I never thought I'd be in because I did it 'His' way. Maybe in the beginning I wanted X, Y, and Z more than I actually wanted Him? I don't know. I don't remember those days well enough, but right now, today, I want Him in the midst of these circumstances and I'm trusting Him to do His work in me.

Starbucks & Philippians 1:3-11

Today started out horribly. I had to wake up extra early as we are back to having one car, I realized that I had forgotten to put in the fridge/freezer the breastmilk I had so diligently pumped yesterday and it all was soured, then I couldn't find my keys anywhere. Ugg. We finally got out the door and I got to work very early with no keys. So I made a little trip to Starbucks where I purchased a 1/2 caf double shot over breve with white mocha and peppermint syrup in it (Yum!) with a gift card that had been ever so kindly given to me and took it back to my office where I sat in my car waiting for my boss to get there and open the door. While sitting I cleaned out my purse and decided to take the extra time on my hands and spend a few minutes in the Word. I read through Philippians. I love this book and have plans to work on memorizing it. I'd like to study it diligently, but for now I'm just gonna share a few thoughts.

Verses 3-11 brought me out of my morning doldrums immediately. As I read these verses I felt connected to Paul in a small way. He had ministered to the people at the church in Philippi, spent time there teaching them and instructing them and it was a joyful time for him to write to them because he had invested so much and knew that they were following what he had taught them (vs. 5). They shared in the same grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. In that moment I thought about the teenagers that Chris and I worked with in Tulsa. We spent 4 years there with that group of students and joy floods my heart as I think about where so many of them are today. Two years later they are still following Christ, being faithful to their local church, and seeking to grow in their walk with the Lord. This summer I had the privilege of spending time with a few of the girls and received a letter from another and it was so special to me to hear about their walk with Christ, how they were studying God's word, and learning and growing in so many ways. They have grown into such beautiful young women. I say this not to boast of anything that I did, but just to glory in the way God has worked in their lives and to thank the Lord for allowing me to be a part. I kind of feel the way I think Paul did as he wrote this book. It was a letter to group of people that he loved and had invested much into and he was just encouraging them to keep going. Vs. 6--'And I am sure that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.' I can think of nothing more encouraging to share with my former students! What God began so many years ago at your salvation (conforming you into the image of Christ (Rom 8:28-29), he is continuing today, and it WILL be completed! This encouraged ME so much this morning because I know I am sinful. I have seen my sinfulness more clearly than ever in recent months (why is it that getting married, and then having children, does so much for our sanctification?!). And to know that someday this process of becoming like my savior will come to an end, and it will not be left unfinished made today make so much more sense! All the trials of my morning were part of the process of my shaping and molding. They had a purpose. They had a reason. They were for my good.


As we read through the rest of this small passage we see Paul's love for this group of believers. He 'yearned' for them with a deep affection and prayed that they would grow in their own love for each other more and more, but that it would be marked by discernment and knowledge. What a pair are these two?! Knowledge and discernment. I pray that I would be a woman marked by these two traits. Knowledge comes though study. It's why I started this blog. I want to learn. I want to know God's Word. And I hope that with that knowledge comes a small dose of discernment to understand the difference between truth and untruth. For it is in that discernment Paul states that we can understand what God views as 'excellent' and so be pure and blameless before Him, our lives filled with the fruit of righteousness that only comes through Christ and brings God glory! (You like my paraphrase?! I need to do a little more study on this passage to dig out the meaning of some of these words, but my paraphrase helps me get a general idea.) I love it and I want to be a girl like Paul is describing!